The standard most husbands use for measuring their love is other husbands.
The standard Paul gives in Ephesians 5 is the cross of Jesus Christ.
That is not a gentle adjustment upward.
It is a complete reorientation of what love is, what it costs, and what it is for.
Understanding this verse requires understanding the model it points to, because the model is not a feeling or a preference. It is a death.
The Text That Sets the Standard
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” — ESV, Ephesians 5:25–27
The command is in verse 25. The model is in the same verse. The purpose runs through verses 26 and 27.
Each part carries weight that a surface reading does not capture.
The Model: What Christ’s Love for the Church Actually Looked Like
He Loved the Unlovable
Christ did not love the church because it was impressive.
He loved it when it was composed of people who had betrayed him, denied him, scattered at his arrest, and hidden behind locked doors after his death.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — NIV, Romans 5:8
The love came first. The worthiness did not produce the love. The love moved toward the unworthy.
The husband who loves his wife only when she is performing at a level he finds attractive is not following the model.
He Gave Himself Up
The phrase “gave himself up” in Ephesians 5:25 is the hinge of the entire command.
It is the same language used to describe the crucifixion: handed over, surrendered, relinquished.
Christ did not simply feel warmly toward the church. He surrendered his rights, his comfort, his body, and his life for it.
The love Paul has in mind for husbands is not primarily romantic feeling. It is self-giving action, chosen repeatedly, often at personal cost.
He Had a Purpose Beyond His Own Satisfaction
What makes Christ’s love remarkable is not only its cost but its aim.
Verses 26 and 27 reveal that Christ loved the church with an intentional, formative purpose: to make her holy, to cleanse her, to present her spotless.
His love was not about what the church could do for him. It was entirely directed at her good.
“He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” — ESV, Ephesians 5:28–29
The nourishing and cherishing Christ does for the church is the template Paul offers for what a husband’s love looks like in daily practice.
What This Means for Husbands in Practice
It Means Leading by Serving, Not by Demanding
The authority husbands carry in the Ephesians 5 model is not a claim on their wife’s service. It is a responsibility for her wellbeing.
Christ’s headship over the church is exercised by laying down his life for it, not by commanding the church to cater to his needs.
The husband who demands service while withholding self-giving love has inverted the model completely.
It Means Loving When It Costs Something
The love Christ showed was not contingent on the church’s performance. It was given before the church deserved it and has been sustained every day since.
The husband who withdraws love when his wife fails him, who uses affection as leverage or withholds it as punishment, is operating from a fundamentally different kind of love than the one Paul commands.
Agape love, the word used in Ephesians 5:25, is not conditional warmth. It is committed, self-giving, other-directed action regardless of what is returned.
It Means Caring for Her Formation, Not Just Her Happiness
Christ’s love aimed at the church’s holiness. He wanted her cleansed, presented without blemish, made into what she was always meant to be.
This is a formative love: it is invested in the person becoming more fully themselves before God, not simply in keeping them comfortable.
A husband who loves his wife the way Christ loved the church is genuinely interested in her spiritual flourishing, her development as a person, and her deepening relationship with God.
He prays for her. He supports what helps her grow. He tells her the truth because he cares about what she becomes, not only about the peace of the present moment.
It Means Pursuing Her
Christ did not wait for the church to come to him. He descended to reach it.
“The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” — ESV, Luke 19:10
The posture is pursuit. It is initiative. It is moving toward the beloved rather than waiting to be approached.
The passive husband, who waits for the marriage to get better without doing anything to improve it, who expects his wife to initiate everything emotionally, has missed this dimension of the model entirely.
The Purpose of This Standard in Paul’s Argument
Ephesians 5 addresses the whole household, not just husbands. But the command to husbands is given more space than the command to wives because the standard is more demanding.
This is counterintuitive to those who focus only on the wife’s call to submit. Paul does not let husbands off lightly.
He gives them the hardest job in the passage: love the way Jesus loved, which is the most costly form of love ever demonstrated in human history.
The submission a wife is called to in Ephesians 5:22 is much easier to offer freely when the love she is living inside looks like verse 25.
Paul is not trying to produce household management. He is trying to produce a marriage that reflects the relationship between Christ and the church to a watching world.
“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” — ESV, Ephesians 5:32
Marriage, in Paul’s theology, is not primarily about companionship. It is a sign in the world that points to the most important relationship in the universe.
The husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church is not just being a good spouse. He is embodying something the world is supposed to see and understand.
A Prayer for Husbands Who Want to Love Better
Father, I confess that my love for my wife has often looked more like my convenience than like the cross.
I have loved when it was easy and withdrawn when it cost too much.
I have wanted the authority of the model without the sacrifice it requires.
Forgive me.
Show me where I have been passive when I should have been pursuing.
Show me where I have been demanding when I should have been giving.
Let me love her the way Christ loved the church: not because she has earned it, not only when she is easy to love, but consistently, sacrificially, and with her good as the goal.
Make my love for her a reflection of your love for the church, which the world is supposed to see through marriages like mine.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
What Men Ask About Loving Their Wives as Christ Loved the Church
What does Ephesians 5:25 mean practically for husbands?
It means loving your wife through sacrifice, initiative, and purposeful care for her spiritual and personal well-being, not through performance or conditional affection. The model is Christ’s love for the church: given freely, given first, aimed at her flourishing rather than your comfort or her approval.
Does Ephesians 5:25 mean husbands should die for their wives?
Yes, if necessary, but the command is much broader than the ultimate scenario. It means daily, ongoing self-giving: choosing her good over your preference, leading through service rather than demand, and loving in the way Christ sustained the church long before Calvary and long after it.
How does a husband love his wife as Christ loved the church when the marriage is difficult?
By understanding that Christ loved the church before it was lovable and continues to love it in its imperfection. Love does not wait for marriage to improve before being given. It is the love itself, consistently offered, that tends to produce change over time in both persons.
What is the connection between a husband’s love and a wife’s submission in Ephesians 5?
They are two responses to the same reality: a marriage patterned on the relationship between Christ and the church. The husband leads by laying down his life. The wife responds by trusting that leadership. Neither command can be properly understood in isolation from the other or from the gospel that underlies both.
Is the standard in Ephesians 5:25 realistic for ordinary men?
It is not achievable in human strength. Paul’s argument in Ephesians as a whole is about living from the resources of the Spirit, not from willpower. Being filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18) is the sentence that comes before the marriage instructions. The love described is supernatural love flowing through a surrendered husband.
Books and Sources Behind This Study
Piper, J., & Grudem, W. (Eds.). (2006). Recovering biblical manhood and womanhood. Crossway.
Stott, J. R. W. (1979). God’s new society: The message of Ephesians. InterVarsity Press.
Tripp, P. D. (2012). What did you expect? Redeeming the realities of marriage. Crossway.
What does it mean for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church? (n.d.). GotQuestions.org.
Ephesians 5:25: Husbands love your wives. (2023). Crossway.
What Ephesians 5:25 actually demands of husbands. (2025). The Gospel Coalition.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. (2024). Desiring God.
Love your wife as Christ loved the church: What this means in practice. (2025). Unveiled Wife Blog.
