Courtship is often discussed in Christian circles as an alternative to casual dating
However, the Bible does not use the modern word “courtship” or provide a specific courtship process.
What Scripture does provide is a clear framework for relationships that can lead to marriage.
It speaks about wisdom, purity, character, love, commitment, family, spiritual compatibility, and the importance of seeking God in our decisions.
Those principles can help Christians approach courtship with greater purpose.
Courtship should not become a collection of rigid rules that every couple must follow.
It should help two people discern whether they can honor God together and whether marriage is a wise possibility.
Start With God
1. Seek God Before Seeking a Spouse
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Matthew 6:33, NIV
A relationship should never become more important than your relationship with God.
Courtship is healthier when both people are already learning to follow Christ rather than expecting another person to provide the spiritual direction, identity, or fulfillment only God can give.
2. Commit Your Plans to God
“Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
Proverbs 16:3, NIV
Courtship involves important decisions about the future. Those decisions should be brought before God.
Prayer does not mean assuming God will automatically give you the relationship you want. It means surrendering your plans and remaining willing to follow His wisdom.
3. Trust God Rather Than Your Own Understanding
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
Proverbs 3:5, NIV
Strong emotions can make a relationship feel obvious when important questions remain unanswered.
Trusting God means allowing Scripture, wisdom, prayer, and sound counsel to influence your decisions instead of letting attraction make every decision for you.
4. Remember That Wisdom Matters
“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”
Proverbs 12:15, NIV
A couple should not assume that being deeply attracted to each other means they are automatically making wise choices.
Mature counsel can reveal blind spots and encourage honest conversations about areas the couple may prefer to avoid.
Choose Character Carefully
5. Look for Godly Character
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”
Luke 6:45, NIV
Character eventually becomes visible.
During courtship, pay attention to how a person behaves when disappointed, corrected, frustrated, or inconvenienced. Promises matter, but patterns of behavior often tell the fuller story.
6. Do Not Make Appearance the Foundation
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
Proverbs 31:30, NIV
Attraction has a legitimate place in courtship, but appearance cannot carry a marriage.
Physical attraction can change over time. Character, faithfulness, wisdom, and reverence for God become increasingly important as life becomes more demanding.
7. Look for Humility
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”
Philippians 2:3, NIV
Humility is one of the qualities that makes long-term relationships possible.
A humble person can admit mistakes, apologize, receive correction, and consider another person’s perspective. Those qualities are more valuable than simply appearing confident or impressive.
8. Look for Self-Control
“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
Galatians 5:22-23, NIV
Self-control matters in courtship because attraction creates opportunities for temptation.
It also affects anger, communication, spending, alcohol, social media, and other areas of life. A person’s ability to govern themselves says something important about their readiness for commitment.
9. Observe How They Treat Others
“Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward them for what they have done.”
Proverbs 19:17, NIV
Do not evaluate someone’s character only by how they treat you.
Watch how they treat people who cannot benefit them. Their behavior toward family, strangers, coworkers, service workers, and people in need can reveal qualities that romantic attention may conceal.
Keep the Relationship Spiritually Healthy
10. Shared Faith Matters
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?”
2 Corinthians 6:14, NIV
Paul was not giving a dating manual, but this principle has obvious implications for relationships moving toward marriage.
A shared commitment to Christ can provide a common spiritual foundation for decisions, worship, values, family life, and difficult seasons.
11. Encourage One Another Spiritually
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV
A healthy Christian courtship should encourage spiritual growth rather than quietly replacing it.
If a relationship consistently pulls someone away from prayer, church, Scripture, Christian community, or obedience, that pattern deserves serious attention.
12. Let Scripture Shape Your Standards
“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”
Psalm 119:105, NIV
Courtship becomes confusing when personal preference is the only guide.
Scripture provides principles for evaluating love, sexuality, honesty, character, commitment, and relationships. God’s Word should therefore have a meaningful place in how Christians make romantic decisions.
Practice Purity
13. Pursue Sexual Purity
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3, NIV
Courtship should honor God’s boundaries concerning sexual intimacy.
That requires more than good intentions.
Couples should think honestly about situations that increase temptation and establish boundaries before emotions make those boundaries harder to maintain.
14. Flee From Sexual Temptation
“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace.”
2 Timothy 2:22, NIV
Scripture does not encourage believers to see how close they can get to temptation without falling.
Sometimes wisdom means physically removing yourself from a tempting situation. Good boundaries are not signs of weak faith. They can be expressions of wisdom.
15. Treat One Another With Purity
“Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
1 Timothy 5:1-2, NIV
The person you are courting is not an object for satisfying your desires.
They are a person created in God’s image. Purity means treating their body, emotions, conscience, and dignity with genuine respect.
16. Do Not Awaken Love Prematurely
“Do not arouse or awaken love until the appropriate time.”
Song of Songs 8:4, NIV
The Song of Songs recognizes that romantic and sexual desire have an appropriate context.
Courtship should allow affection to develop alongside wisdom. Moving too quickly into intense emotional or physical intimacy can make it harder to evaluate a relationship objectively.
Build the Relationship on Love and Truth
17. Love Should Be Patient
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
1 Corinthians 13:4, NIV
A courtship does not need to be rushed toward marriage simply because both people are excited.
Patience gives two people time to observe each other’s character, discuss difficult subjects, and determine whether their relationship has a foundation strong enough for lifelong commitment.
18. Love Should Be Honest
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor.”
Ephesians 4:25, NIV
Honesty should begin before marriage, not after the wedding.
People should be truthful about their intentions, values, finances, previous commitments, faith, and expectations. Concealing important information to secure someone’s affection is not a healthy foundation.
19. Love Is Not Self-Seeking
“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV
Courtship can become unhealthy when each person focuses primarily on what they can get from the relationship.
Biblical love asks how we can honor and serve the other person rather than treating them as a means of satisfying our own emotional needs.
20. Let Your Words Be Full of Grace
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt.”
Colossians 4:6, NIV
How a couple communicates during courtship matters.
Disagreements provide valuable information. Can you disagree without insulting one another? Can you discuss sensitive issues without manipulation? Can you apologize when necessary?
Those questions can reveal more than romantic compatibility.
Use Wisdom Before Marriage
21. Do Not Ignore Wise Counsel
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Proverbs 15:22, NIV
A couple does not have to let other people control their relationship, but completely isolating the relationship from mature counsel can be dangerous.
Trusted Christian mentors, parents, pastors, or older believers may identify concerns that romantic partners struggle to see themselves.
22. Take Time to Know the Person
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”
Proverbs 20:5, NIV
Courtship should involve meaningful conversations.
Talk about faith, family, money, children, work, conflict, expectations, boundaries, and the future. Superficial compatibility is not enough for a lifelong covenant.
23. Consider the Cost of Commitment
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?”
Luke 14:28, NIV
Jesus was discussing discipleship rather than courtship, but His principle about counting the cost applies broadly to serious commitments.
Marriage affects finances, family, time, responsibilities, priorities, and future decisions. Courtship is an appropriate season for honestly considering those realities.
24. Do Not Be Ruled by Impulse
“The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.”
Proverbs 14:15, NIV
Infatuation can make people move quickly.
Wisdom slows the process down enough to ask important questions. You should know more about someone’s character than their ability to make you feel excited.
25. Do Not Ignore Warning Signs
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
Proverbs 22:3, NIV
Love should not make a person blind to obvious danger.
Patterns of dishonesty, controlling behavior, addiction, manipulation, abuse, contempt, or persistent spiritual compromise should be taken seriously rather than explained away because the relationship feels good.
Understand the Direction of Courtship
26. Courtship Should Have Purpose
“Let all things be done decently and in order.”
1 Corinthians 14:40, NKJV
Christian courtship should have greater purpose than simply avoiding loneliness.
If two people are considering marriage, they should eventually be able to discuss where the relationship is going. Clarity prevents unnecessary confusion and helps both people make informed decisions.
27. Marriage Is a Covenant, Not Just a Romance
“The LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”
Malachi 2:14, NIV
Courtship should take marriage seriously because marriage itself is a covenant.
The goal is not merely to find someone who produces strong feelings. It is to discern whether two people can faithfully enter and honor a lifelong commitment before God.
28. Consider Whether You Can Walk Together
“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”
Amos 3:3, NIV
Agreement does not mean two people must have identical personalities or opinions.
It means they need enough fundamental unity to build a life together. Major differences in faith, values, family expectations, and life direction should not be treated as insignificant.
Treat the Other Person With Honor
29. Put the Other Person’s Good Ahead of Selfishness
“Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:4, NIV
A courtship should not revolve entirely around personal satisfaction.
Ask whether the relationship is helping both people become healthier, wiser, and more faithful to God. Genuine love considers the other person’s long-term good, not merely immediate happiness.
30. Practice Forgiveness Without Abandoning Wisdom
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32, NIV
Mistakes will happen during courtship.
Forgiveness is necessary, but forgiveness does not require ignoring repeated destructive behavior. Grace can coexist with boundaries, accountability, and the decision to end a relationship that is unhealthy.
31. Trust God With the Outcome
“Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.”
Psalm 37:5, NIV
One of the hardest parts of courtship can be accepting that a relationship may not lead to marriage.
You can care deeply about someone and still discover that the relationship should end. Trusting God means believing that obedience is more important than forcing a particular romantic outcome.
Frequently Asked Questions About Christian Courtship
1. What is biblical courtship?
Biblical courtship is a purposeful romantic relationship guided by Scripture, focused on character, spiritual compatibility, purity, wise counsel, and discerning whether marriage is appropriate.
2. Is courtship mentioned in the Bible?
The modern concept of courtship is not explicitly described in Scripture. However, biblical principles about relationships, purity, wisdom, love, and marriage can guide Christian courtship.
3. What is the difference between dating and courtship?
Dating can describe various romantic relationships, while courtship traditionally emphasizes intentionality toward marriage, greater accountability, spiritual compatibility, and deliberate evaluation of long-term commitment.
4. Should Christian couples involve their parents in courtship?
Scripture does not require a universal parental courtship system, but involving wise parents or mature Christian mentors can provide valuable perspective, accountability, and guidance.
5. How long should Christian courtship last before marriage?
The Bible gives no required courtship length. Couples should allow enough time to understand character, faith, compatibility, responsibilities, and potential concerns before making a marriage commitment.
What Does the Bible Say About Courtship Overall?
The Bible does not give Christians a prescribed courtship formula. It does something more enduring.
It gives principles that can guide relationships across cultures and generations.
Courtship should involve wisdom rather than impulse. Purity rather than unchecked desire. Honesty rather than manipulation.
Character rather than appearance alone. Prayer rather than anxiety. Purpose rather than simply passing time.
Most importantly, a Christian relationship should help both people take God more seriously, not less.
The goal is not to create a perfect courtship where nothing goes wrong.
The goal is to approach another person with enough wisdom and humility to discover whether marriage would be a faithful and healthy commitment.
A relationship may eventually lead to marriage, or it may reveal that marriage is not the right path for the two people involved.
Either way, God’s standards do not change.
Courtship is ultimately not about finding a flawless person.
It is about learning to love wisely, walk faithfully, and make decisions that honor God.